That’s what it’s like if you are honest with yourself. I had the same youth (except I played trumpet in the church band). They try so so hard to convince you it’s happening. I think some people want it so badly, they make themselves believe all sorts of things. When you want it, but don’t want it to just be you telling yourself it’s happening. It just doesn’t. I of course only speak for myself and my experiences but I watched it happen so many times, and wanted it so badly when I was young. Not to mention the people who I connected up with again years later that seemed like they had all those experience tell me it was all just going through the motions, faking it until you make it. I actually had a pastor tell me that one time. He knew I was struggling to have a genuine super natural experience.