This might sound pretentious or trippy. But it’s just a thing I haven’t found a proper answer for.
My paternal parts of the family are all dead, no aunts, uncles or cousins alive any longer. My maternal parts of the family suck, they seriously suck, no joke. I decided not to procreate (and had a “few discretions” regarding this) because I didn’t want to pass the shitty genes, behaviour or guilt onto another generation.
I have an ex, some relations ago. And I really loved his mother, as a mother. I was a train wreck at one time, and she saved me and took care of me. I don’t care that she isn’t my real mother. But this was several years ago.
What really hurts is that my siblings and cousins tell me that what I felt for her was fake, as she is not a blood relative. As I have helped her more than I would ever have helped anyone else. I love her, but is it true love to love someone as a mother if they aren’t your biological mother?
Always be suspicious if someone OUTSIDE of you–someone who is NOT you–is trying to tell you what you feel.
I have never found a case where that outside person was correct.
And they are often *especially * wrong when they try to “reverse” what you feel. Like, if you feel something good, and they say it is bad. Or if you feel something bad, and they say no, the thing that makes you feel that way is good. There’s usually ulterior motivations here. (And not necessarily well-thought-out evil mastermind ones…some people are very manipulative in a “cunning” or “canny” way, where they’ve learned such things work, but don’t actually think out their plans or motivations…they manipulate on instinct.)
I’ve always had much more success figuring out my emotions when I looked within and slowly picked apart what I felt and WHY I felt it, even if that way was much slower than listening to someone else trying to tell me what to think and feel.
Also–I’ve never personally been able to identify any difference between “true” love and other forms of love. As far as I can tell, love is love, and it’s very common for people who grew up with abusive family to later seek out “found family”, where people regardless of their blood kinship have proven they are safe for you to be around by their benign or benevolent actions towards you.